I’m sorry

I feel like I spend most of my time saying ‘I’m sorry’ and I am, I’m sorry for being a burden, I’m sorry I can’t make a decision, I’m sorry I did that or didn’t do that. The words just Slip out when something goes wrong, even if it’s not my fault I feel responsible. 

I currently feel like I can’t do anything right. It’s hard to feel like it’s not your fault when you think so little of yourself and feel you have no self worth. 

I keep being told I don’t need to apologise for how I’m feeling but still I say those words ‘I’m sorry’. They just come naturally.

I need to work on self  love and learning that it’s OK to be wrong. 

A weekend alone 

My weekend was eventful for all the wrong reasons so I have now taken to my bed.

Saturday was home alone ( doesn’t happen often but will be a lot more often more about that another time) I have an insect bite that was sore nothing was working so I thought I will go to the shops and get something for it and get some milk while there ( this was  huge step I haven’t been anywhere alone for some weeks if not months). Got to the chemist and it was shutting so I couldn’t get the cream the very helpful lady gave me a list of other chemist that should be open. Except these chemists were in a area I didn’t want to go, so I other my milk a thought I won’t bother but it started to itch so I got in the car please that I had managed to get the milk. 

The bit was sore so I went the other chemist thought I saw a person I didn’t want to have to deal with and PANIC set in. Full blown panic attack in the car park, it felt like the whole world was looking at me and judging me as a weak worthless person.i got back in my car and some how managed to get back home. Needless to saw it didn’t do much else Saturday. 

Still feeling worse for wear from Saturday and little sleep Sunday had started if I wanted it to or not. Sunday was plagued by suicidal thought. How I was a burden and everyone would be better off with out me. I didn’t want to feel this emotional and physical pain anymore ( my low mood had been made worse by the way some family members have been treating me). I sat at my laptop started to wrote how I was feeling and before I knew it had written what resembles a suicide  note. I was over come with a desire just not to be here any more ( I had made a promise to my self that if I got to feeling this bad I would reach out to someone anyone) I started to go though my phone and realised I really didn’t have many people to ring, I rang the first and no answer the second still no answer. So as all else had failed I would have to ring my Ex ( who had been the most amazing friend to me through all of this) even though he was having a ‘HIM DAY’ he answered his phone and all I could do was crying uncontrollably. He stayed calm talk me though breathing to calm me down.

He was busy but found the time to talk to me talk thing though and although he still continued with his day he call back a few times to check on me. 

Although the thoughts are still there they are not screaming at me , so I’m here to fight another day!!!

Going out 

Today I planned to  leave  the house to go see people I used to work with. I was fine yesterday thought I would be OK today but oh no, I got up this morning and felt sick found lots of things in the house to do to keep myself busy. I was trying to put of going but a friend said they would take me and come back and get me. On the way there is started to worry about if I had left the cooker on ( I hadn’t even had it on this morning). 

Now not only do I have to contend with the physical pain each day but also now the worry evert time I go anywhere. 

I just want to be blessed to enjoy going out meeting friends and having a good time. I feel betrayed by both my body and my mind. 

Being lost at sea

How do you find your way back when you no longer know where back is !

People say home is where the heart is. What if you don’t know where that is anymore, what if your life has changed so much nothing feels safe and right. 

How can we stop the constant voice in your head telling you that your no good  that your worthless, that no one likes you. This is the voice of depression.

Then you have the voice of did I do that right, did I remember to lock the door, did  I say something that will make them hate me. That’s the voice of anxiety. 

I want to go out and meet people and do things but the ‘what if sain my head get to much and I don’t do anything.