Support From An Unlikely Source

This is a bit of a personal post. It has taken a lot of yes and nos to if I should post it.

I have been split up from my ex for nearly 2 years now, we have remained friends.

I have this year had a very hard year it started with surgery on my arm to reduce the pain from break in 2014.  The loss of independence this meant I could not drive or do much around the house as I also have fibromyalgia which limits what i can do anyway. Family that I thought would be around to help were no where to be seen.

Then in June I was diagnosed with depression , anxiety and panic attacks. The family member then spotted talking to me but my ex has been amazing and helping my youngest (who is 18) supported me.

He has been a rock and a stable influence in my life as I struggle everyday with just keeping myself alive. Depression is a constant fight to stay alive when your mind is telling you everyone would be better off without you. I have had a few very close calls but he has always been there to help me center myself again.

With both depression and anxiety your mind plays tricks on you and it is important to have someone around that you can talk things though so they can help you see that your thoughts are not always to be believed. He has done this for me when there was no one else around.

I’m never going to be able to repay him for all his help and support all I can do is get well and show him that his compassion and care has not been wasted.

And say THANK YOU so many times but it just doesn’t seem enough.


We All Go Through Crap 

​We all go through crap in our lives some more than others. Especially if you have a chronic illness.

It’s what you choose to do with it that matters. It has recently been suggested that I carry around to much of other people’s crap from the past. Stuff that I’m not responsible for but have taken on anyway. 

When you have other people’s crap how do we put it down? 

Why as caring people do we feel the need to take on everyone’s problemsolving but when we need help it’s not returned.
Why is it that everyone thinks we don’t need help returned? 

Where to start when you have no idea !

When things get bad for you both mentally and psychically and you don’t know what to do or where to turn. This can be a very scary place to be.

I have reached out to try to get professional help but there seems little help on offer. So the next thing to do is reach out to friends and family. I currently have little family support so instead of distancing myself from friends I am going to have to take of my public face and be totally honest about how bad I feel.

I am currently swinging from depression and doing nothing to being anxious and stressing about everything.  There seems to be no in between, no happy medium. I still don’t know how to find a happy point or how to “find myself” which is what everyone keeps telling me I need to do.

How do you find yourself when you have no idea where to start?

How do you get through the day without caring for others like you always have ?



Invisible illness 

My thoughts after read a lot of information about invisible illness week

“I appear as I want you to see me. I paint on my ‘I’m OK’ face every morning before school and walk around with a smile, but the truth is that I am in chronic pain, always struggling, but you will never see that because I do not want to appear in that light. You may believe I am faking being sick, but I am actually faking being well, and people need to not be as quick to judge.”

There are many things I as a person with an invisible illness want you to know…..

Just because I’m young doesn’t mean I’m not disabled. There is no age limit on illness.

I need your empathy not your sympathy. Please be patient with us, and remember we’re struggling and often smiling through pain.”

A good day does not mean I have recovered it is just that ‘a good day ‘ and I will probably pay for it later.

Just because an illness or condition isn’t widely known doesn’t make it any less serious than any other illness.”

My illness does not define me it is not who I am, it is just a part of me.

Chronic illness can be lonely. It is easier to make no plans than to cancel plans, especially when friends and family members may not be able to understand.

I’m not going to just get better. I may have better day but my illness is always there